I hate the lottery.
Yeah, I’ve heard all the arguments; revenue from lottery games helps to fund state programs that would otherwise be spent with taxes, for instance.
But the fact is that you have better odds of being attacked by pygmy midgets while dancing the funky chicken and listening to Kelley Deal interpret folkloric Russian music of the mid-19th century instead of winning any substantial lottery jackpot.
Yet I reluctantly help my mother check the winning lottery numbers on the Internet.
It’s not a job that I like to do, but it has been one thrust upon me for several years now. And I begrudgingly accept since my brothers are too busy either designing websites, haggling with potential customers, or chatting with acquaintances while playing World of Warcraft.
Every week my mom passes me a small stack of folded lottery tickets neatly bundled by a rubber band. And every week I unfold them in order to see if we’ve won.
No, not this week.
No, not any week.
Not even when I spent an entire weekend checking results my dad had saved for nearly a year before he passed away did we win.
But in the end I let my mom continue to play even though she will inevitably lose. It’s something for her to do that distracts her from the continuing pain of my dad’s death. It allows her to keep dreaming of a better future; that is until “you boys grow up and become famous” as she tells my bros and I. Playing the lottery gives her some comfort and distraction from the tedium that is being a housewife.
So who am I to deprive her of not only playing the lottery but also being designated me as the family's official results checker.
I just hope against my own rational thought that one day she does win something aside from the rare extra play or $1. It would at least give her some joy of winning a few hundred bucks, minimum.
On the bright side she doesn’t spend her money on silly telemarketers or shyster TV evangelists. Compared to those things the lottery is a charitable donation, and checking the results is a dignified occupation.
Not bad.And now I'm off to check the Pick 10 results.
MP3: Camper Van Beethoven – When I Win the Lottery
Epilogue (15 May): After checking the latest batch of results from the Pick 10, Mega Millions, and Lotto I found that we won $4.
The bad news is that approximately $35 were spent on the losing tickets.
Compared to other weeks we hit the bloody jackpot.