Vicissitude

I have had very little luck with the opposite sex.

I don’t blame them for viewing me solely as a friend or for just not having enough interest in me as a boyfriend.

Moreover, I accept the limitations which serve as a turn-off to women: impatience, hoarse voice, shyness, tendency to be introverted.

Yet that doesn’t allay the fact that I’ve gone approximately 8 years without being in a serious relationship. (And yes, I am counting silly high school puppy love as “serious”).

A couple of weeks ago I planned to go out and attend a seminar at NYU’s Center for Global Affairs. I made sure to reserve the Access-A-Ride the day before to be picked up at 1:00. Foolishly enough, I overslept the night before and woke up at shortly after noon. Running like a maniac, I put on a ratty old sweater and stained jeans, neglected to shave and gel my hair, gargled with a touch of Scope and even forgot to put on deodorant. I had 20 minutes to get about an hour's worth of things done. In short, I was one sad, fugly, heinous mess.

After a quick medical appointment near Union Square I headed towards the Center. Hungry as hell I tried to find a restaurant in the area of City Hall. I settled on a small, nondescript pizza joint and wolfed down a chicken parmagiana calzone. Filling as it was, my breath reeked of garlic. Not smart.

Eventually, I enter the auditorium and I’m getting situated. Taking a quick glance towards the entrance I spot an attractive young lady.

“She’s cute; I wish I weren’t such a mess I could approach her” I say.

She then approaches me, greets me by name, and gives me a huge hug and kiss. I have no clue who this person was ‘til we start talking.

It was Venegas.

Venegas was a grad student I knew at NYU. We shared a few classes and she graduated last spring. I hadn’t seen her I nearly a year.

And I had a thing for her, though she never knew it. Not only was she cute, but she also was incredibly bright, worldly, and just a pleasure to be around. She reminded me a lot of “la vecina”, but Venegas was far more humble.

So here we meet again; her radiant and absolutely lovely, me looking like shit.

We talked for quite a while after the seminar, we leave together and I even walk her towards the subway station. It was nice, though the next time we met, which was last week, she seemed kind of aloof. Just my luck.

Then earlier today I was working on my thesis. I took a brief break and as I browsed through Gothamist, Cris IM’d me.

Cris was my high school crush. I went head over heels for her and dedicated far too much of my time senior year towards trying to conquer her. It was for naught as she fell for one of my classmates. After I graduated we lost touch for several years until last spring when we met purely by chance at NYU. She had just started grad school there. She gave me her phone number, but my timidity got the best of me and I never called her. Yet I still had a soft spot for her.

Cris and I spoke for about an hour via IM. It was a fun discussion where we talked about school, life, high school, so many things. I was about to tell her how I still longed for her. How I wish we could give being a couple a chance. How it would be nice to go out for dinner and a movie after the semester is done.

“Oh, by the way. Haven’t I told you I’m engaged?”

She goes on to explain how she started dating one of her classmates shortly after I graduated high school. They had been off-and-on for about 7 years, but they were confident enough to take the plunge together. They plan on getting married next May. Her fiancé and I never really got along, but I had no enmity towards him. Still the thought of her engagement shocked me profoundly.

“Congrats Cris! I wish you both the very best.”

And I meant that even though I was hurt inside.

Because in the end it’s my limitations that have been my worse enemy. Fate works that way and I accept it.

Right?