Año Nuevo, Vida Nueva: Battle of the Bulge(s)

Bye-bye delicious chocolates! (Image source)

Normally I abhor making New Year’s resolutions. They seem fickle and useless especially if one doesn’t commit to them. Furthermore, such life-altering promises should be made anytime of the year and not pushed off until early January.

Yet in my case I’ve experienced many more downs than ups, particularly over the past three months. Now is the time that I have to make some serious affirmations and improve my life along with those around me.

So what resolutions will I make starting in 2009? I’ll be writing about them over the next few days. Today's resolutions is one close to my heart (literally):

Physical – I’ve ballooned in weight since early autumn and I’m at least fifteen pounds obese. I haven’t been this fat in years and I cannot afford to continue ignoring the warning signs (e.g. heavier breathing, more labored movement).

In addition, my legs have been feeling very weak compared to, say, six to twelve months ago. I wake up several times nightly with leg cramps and I cannot sit still during the day for extended periods of time. My disability cannot improve but can only get worse. I’ve allowed it to reach that point.

Thus, my strategy is twofold. First, go on a steady diet; no more sweets or overeating and less take-out. I need to curb down on my starches and eat more veggies and fruits.

The second part is one word: exercise. Stretch more often and do some leg-strengthening work. It’s a simple resolution but one that will be a challenge to keep.

Workout and haggle

I'm trying my best not to be a mopey pessimist today but it's a little difficult.

I haven't been feeling well lately on account that several small things have ganged up on my such as my bursitis and my delicate stomach. I have P.T. which should help my aching shoulders. But I'm also stressed (what else is new!) but over an appointment I have in a few hours at the local Medicaid office.

(Why such a mess with Medicaid? In short, they want to force me to choose between my Access-A-Ride and my health insurance despite my winning a fair hearing decision in the Spring. There are more details though suffice it to say they are being absolutely unfair and I'm going to fight their red tape and incompetence).

Yes ladies and jellyspoons, I'm not at my best right now. Then again, things change and who knows if by the end of the day fortune will shine my way.

Update: Yes, fortune did smile down on me in the sense that P.T. helped reduce some of the aches in my shoulders and my stomach was able to relax. More importantly, the visit to the Medicaid office went without a hitch except for one or two minor misunderstandings and some well-played passive-aggressiveness on my part.

Now I can get some good night's rest (or more specifically, as much as I can before walking up a little dazed at dawn)!

Airiel

My hand was still bothering me today which is why I’m going to link to a video tonight. I think I’ll try icing my hand up tomorrow morning before it gets puffier and more painful. The last thing I want to do is visit my doctor; I’m thankful that have good health insurance yet I really need to play catch-up after pretty much taking last week off.

Airiel is a Chicago-based shoegazer outfit that I adore listening to. (I’ve previously professed my love for shoegazer music here). The following video is of them singing “Thinktank” at a ’07 gig in Lima, Peru. The clip is pretty damned loud and there are annoying strobe lights but I could listen to that music all day.

Puffy hands

Bloody hell, this poor blog has been way too abandoned!

Unfortunately this past week has been (surprise! surprise!) a very busy one. Yet what's made it worse is that my right hand has puffed up around the knuckles, outer edges of the palm and some of my fingers. It hurts to use it for things like holding utensils and writing; thus, typing has been a great inconvenience.

Thankfully, most of the swelling has gone down especially after I visited my doctor last Friday. She said that it was an "accumulation of fluids" due to my lack of mobility and she recommended that I try to move around more. I've been dutifully heeding her suggestions and they've worked relatively well.

Despite all the work that I've accumulated and that I must tackle in the next few days I'm going to try my best to post here over the next few days. There are far too many issues stewing in my mind that I want to touch on such as this and this. I will try not to write as much as I had in this post though something substantial is better than nothing.

The pressure cooker

I've been a nervous, over-stressed wreck for the past 2-3 weeks.

I've had a lot on my plate lately and certain things have accumulated at the same time.

Something's got to give. I just don't know what. And I need to make up my mind very soon before I breakdown and get nothing accomplished.

I'm going to sleep on it for tonight. But hopefully I'll have something figured shortly after I awake in about 6 hours time.

Ugh. Mega ugh.

Update (December 19, 11.45am):

Well, I finally figured out what to do.

After much though I decided to shift the thesis. It’s really the easiest thing I can move for now while I take care of more pressing issues such as the U.N. work.

I don’t know how I’ll be able to break it to mom. But I’ll have to do it.

I really hope I made the correct choice.

Thanksgiving thoughts

Today was a day of reflection for me in that I decided to spotlight those things that I am and should be eternally grateful for:

• Health – My physical health has been pretty good over the past few months and that has been rectified via a battery of exams. (e.g. blood tests, x-rays, EKGs, stress tests). Mentally has not been as good, especially over the summer when I was feeling lonely and isolated from others. However, my mind has been far from being as god awful as it was during my darkest days years ago. All in all, not terribly bad.
• Family – Although I won’t travel to see my extended family in Colombia for the first time since 2004, I feel incredibly fortunate to be surrounded by my brothers and mom. Given, it has not always been a smooth relationship yet they’ve helped me when I’ve been down and they are the main reason I have to live. If it weren’t for them I would’ve been dead and buried ages ago. (I assure that is not an exaggeration).
• Friends – Earlier this evening I decided to send an e-card to about forty friends, past and present. At some time in the past they have impacted my life in a positive way. For that I am eternally grateful and I sincerely hope that they comprehend how much I appreciate them all.
• Potential – Despite my constant complaining and cynicism I’m thankful that I still dream of a better future for myself and for those close to me. They deserve it, now and always. Our goals can be reached and we will keep striving onward until they are obtained.

Ultimately, life is what we make of it. That’s why I’m grateful for all the positive aspects of life and hopeful that we can overcome whatever obstacles try to knock us down.

Self help

After chatting with some friends and blowing my gasket a few times this weekend I have come to the revelation that I need to make some major changes in my life. These changes are simple but they will help me immensely in the short and long run. The way I see it is that I will pay some very heavy consequences soon if I do not improve my total well-being in several areas:

BODY

Lately I have not been eating well due to negligence and lack of initiative on my part. “I don’t care eat I eat so as long as I do eat” has been my mantra over the past few weeks and that has stop. Hence, I hope to eat a healthier, more well-balanced diet.

In addition, I used to exercise on a near-daily basis every day for most of the summer but apathy put a halt to that for the mast month. My body has felt heavier and my mobility has been encumbered by excess fat. Therefore, I aim to return to my regular exercise routine in conjunction with dieting.

TEMPER

I have been reverting to an old fault that had plagued me during my darkest days years ago and that was of losing my temper due to trivialities. On Saturday, for instance, I went nuts since I dropped a bit of food and it slightly stained my shirt. Last weekend I drove my brothers up the wall since they did not make a semi-important phone call that was not as urgent as my anger suggested.

Along with not altering myself over little things it is imperative that I find appropriate avenues I which to vent my frustration. Tonight I argued with “the flea” over his irresponsibility balancing work with his social life and my mom and other brother yelled at me to “calm down” almost as much as I was screaming at him. This is the fault that will be the most tricky to solve. However I cannot continue to hold in my emotions despite giving a veneer of calmness.

CYNACISM

For as long as I can remember one of my Achilles heels is that I revert far too often to sarcasm as a tool for defense and attack in conversations. At times it can be done jokingly but ore often that not I interject sarcasm to hurt and injure others. The negative use of sarcasm is something I need to let go of.

Moreover, my glass tends to be half-empty rather than half-full. Such an outlook is not inherently bad except when it leads to an excess of complaining, bitching, nit-picking, and malaise. This is what is going on with me and I didn’t realize it until a few other days ago when an acquaintance confided to me. At the time it was a shocking revelation though in retrospect it was something that I should have figured out on my own. Better late than never, perhaps?

SOCIAL

Apart from chatting once in a while with friends and the occasional e-mail my social life is nonexistent. I had hoped to change that over the summer but that has yet to come about. Hopefully I can drag out one of my friends to catch a film with me on Tuesday night though I need to make a more concerted effort to keep in touch with those that were and continue to be close to me.

I need to go out more often. It’s as simple as that. Of the nine summer concerts I had hoped to attend I eventually ended up going to none! (The reasons why will be examined in a separate post). Yes it’s good that I stay at home to take care of my responsibilities but there’s more to that. Going out is something I must take advantage of especially before the winter weather makes things too difficult.

Much like I’m smart for certain things I need to wise up in other which is why I’m glad that I can acknowledge my faults.

Now the heard part comes in: executing the changes that need to be done and sticking to them.

"You are a boobie"

Rather than ramble about what's been on my mind I will save some time and space via the magic of the bullet point list:

• My right tricep is still in pain though I've been able to type more easily than yesterday.
• I'm quite nervous since I have to flush my stomach out tomorrow with a number of powders, pills, and the like. (It has to be done due to a delicate medical exam on Thursday).
• Speaking of Thursday, due to the exam I won't be able to head out to the "Tribute to Hector Lavoe" concert that night. Hence, my summer concert list will be a disappointing 0-for-6.
  
• Dammit I still haven't written to any long lost acquaintances/friends/colleagues!
• Compared to last week my agenda is relatively empty; it is a sea of white except fora few small entries.
  
• Crap, I think C.'s birthday is coming up soon. I better find out poste haste and send her a card!
• Lastly, I recently discovered several excellent UPA cartoons from the pre-Mr. Magoo days in the 1950s. This is one of them based on a very short story by James Thurber (video link):
  

The strain of the pain

"Ouch!"

I've been saying that far too often over the past 24 hours.

Unfortunately, I pulled my right tricep muscle last night and reinjured it this morning. Hence, I can only type a few words at a time with my left arm.

I barely got any work done today due to my aching arm and my outing to the doctors' office. Hopefully Tuesday will be much better and more fruitful. I ode having to play catch-up so I'm waking up with K. before dawn, and I'll be reading and researching as he gets ready for work.

Jeez, I better run off to get some industrial strength Tylenol.

Moving on

Uncle Javy's funeral was Wednesday morning in La Palma, Colombia. my family here in NYC could not make it to the ceremony, though we talked to our aunts tonight and they said that everything was solemn and peaceful. Grandma wept a lot but in a quiet and very dignified manner. Just about the entire town of a no more than a few thousand people packed the church. It was the town's version of a state funeral for someone beloved, respected, and admired by all.

Wednesday was difficult not only in that I wasn't over there but I was home alone with my thoughts and nobody to talk too. Though I did chat briefly with a few friends it was only a small relief compared to my bros and mom being by my side. I did got some work done thankfully, but the solitude was overbearing and I waffled a lot with my work.

Despite being moping and depression today I have resolved to break out of funk starting tomorrow. I have far too many things to get done for me to be listless. Much like when dad passed away I need to move on and try to serve as an example for the rest of my family. (For example, I'll try to call grandma over the weekend and try to give her a boost so she can feel better).

For now I'm in something of a transitional phase where I ponder over the lessons one can learn from such a tragedy. Even though my cardiologist told me on Tuesday that my cardio system is in tip-top shape, I must keep in mind to exercise regularly and maintain a healthy lifestyle. Also, one should not take friends and family for granted; they are to be appreciated and enjoyed. (Which is why I'm going to send a bunch of e-mail greetings tomorrow to some acquaintances I haven't heard from in ages). Finally, one should take advantage of every day and exploit it for what it's worth.

Off to bed and early to rise. Tomorrow is a new day and I must be ready for it.

Running around

I really ought to be coming home from tonight’s free Neko Case concert in Central Park. Alas, it was not to be for several reasons including the heavy storm that was supposed to fall today (which didn’t), and the lack of reliable and accessible bus service at this time of the night. (The steam pipe explosion on Wednesday made the latter problem many times worse than usual).

But more than anything it was the very stressing and tiring days today and yesterday that have just about knocked me out.

Yesterday I was at the Hospital for Joint Diseases all day in order to take care of some urgent problems with my health insurance and to accompany my bros to their respective appointments at muscle clinic. Besides being on the road for roughly a dozen hours the main problem ad to do with the changes with Medicaid and related health care that have made things fast more difficult for my brothers and me. For instance, whereas before I could just make an appointment to muscle clinic or equipment clinic with little trouble now I have to got through the rigmarole of filling it paperwork and getting referrals from my primary care physician. Perhaps I’m making it seem like before it was as simple as snapping one’s fingers but it feels that was compared to the current feeling of having to jump through a myriad of hoops.

Making things worse was the lack of accurate answers by the staff at the hospital. I talked to three different people regarding my situation and I received three distinct replies. It was as if more red tape was being added to the already growing mountain of confusion and complexity.

Oy vey!

Below are a pair of pics taken yesterday, first of my brother Jonathan then of mom and Kevin:

Today was not as difficult and harried, thankfully. I woke up at before dawn and went with Kevin and mom to the dentist. Unfortunately, some miscommunication nearly derailed my trip as I was not scheduled to be seen today. Mercifully, there were some early morning cancellations so Kevin and I got our teeth thoroughly cleaned by a very kind albeit slightly sadistic dental hygienist. Unfortunately for me, it was not my usual hygienist which was too bad since I really like to see/chat/lightly flirt with her. Oh well.

Afterwards we decided to celebrate Colombian Independence Day in our own low-key, simple way by having a killer breakfast at a cozy Colombian bakery on 46^th Street and Queens Boulevard:

Chicharron, chorizo, coffee, arepas, corn mazitas.

The perfect remedy for our heady minds, tired bodies, and growling stomachs.

The rest of the morning was spent on running a few errands (e.g. supermarket, Kevin’s haircut) before returning home. I took this pic while taking a quick breather on the street outside the barbershop:

So yes, I did miss going to the concert tonight and I know I would’ve enjoyed it thoroughly. However, I’m getting some much needed downtime at home which will definitely come in handy since I’ll be playing catch-up with some pending work and even more appointments await me next week.

C’est la vie, non?

MP3: Neko Case -Bowling Green (Live, 2000)

MP3: Neko Case - I Wish I Was the Moon Tonight (Live, April 2006)

"What the fuck is a 'gastropub'?!"

I am not a foodie nor a gourmand by any stretch of the imagination. Given I have an unhealthy loathing towards the hellish triumvirate of McDonald's/Taco Bell/Pizza Hut as well as overpriced joints where ambiance is given more importance than the food being served. And yes, my favorite meals (which one day I'll discuss in more detail) have been in locations where exceptional food is served at a fair price. I'm picky and selective but far from being a food nerd.

Still, I have to admit that I follow chef Anthony Bourdain's every footsteps. (Figuratively, obvs). Why? It's not because of this brash, "bad boy" persona some see him as. But it's his insight into food, cooking, and culture that makes him so appealing. Though I miss his original A Chef's Tour on Food Network (i.e. just about the only reason to watch that channel) I thoroughly enjoy No Reservations on the Travel Channel. (Let's just say that two of my favorite days this summer have been all-day marathons of No Reservations and Reno 911!).

One of his credos is that eating should ideally be an experience, not a chore or something to be treated so flippantly. Eating a meal- whether it be at home with family, in a restaurant with friends, or even alone from a street vendor- ought to be an event; something tangible that can satisfy all the senses. Practically speaking it may be difficult at times, as I learned when living alone in Miami when I had the tendency to consume my meals during quick breaks between classes or meetings. But whenever possible eating should reach and hopefully attain its ideal status.

With that said, I really liked this video clip I found of a book reading by Bourdain last year. The excerpt seems apt as to what I'm trying to say:


A quick update: my very ill uncle has been recuperating very gradually but without further complications. He remains in a very sensitive state, but it certainly seems like he'll continue recovering. Thankfully.

Hoping against hope

A very close uncle in Colombia has been on death's door since Friday. He is by far one of the smartest people I know in terms of his desire to learn and to acquire knowledge. Despite his little formal schooling he tries his best to comprehend the many ideas and issues in the world around him.

Now he's clinging to life while being hooked up to machines and tied to a hospital bed on the outskirts of Bogota.

He should've been dead based on the sporadic information I've been told by family over there. He had been very ill for several weeks yet nobody suggested that he see the doctor nor had he shown the initiative. It was not until Friday morning that one of aunts noticed his extremely weakened condition and took him to the clinic in La Palma. After being given several IV packets he was whisked via ambulance to a larger clinic several towns over, then to Bogota.

At every step of the way the doctors were amazed that he wasn't dead and noted that he was literally fighting for his life. Yet he could pass away at any moment despite his almost superhuman efforts to pull through.

I've been a wreck all weekend long trying to keep it together but it's been incredibly difficult. I'm hoping against hope that his situation can improve and trying to give the impression of being calm, cool, and collective much like in the aftermath of dad's death. It's just a weak facade, however, and everyone knows it.

In the meantime my family's playing the waiting game to wait and see how his condition has been. We're preparing ourselves for whatever news arises; good or bad.

Praying and wishing and thinking and weeping.

We'll just have to wait and see.

The Opera Oink

Well, I’m about to leave to go take a stress test which should hopefully provide answers on my heart’s function. I did this before in March of ’06, but the procedure was done incorrectly and now I’m going to do it again to make sure it comes out right.

There are several discomforts with taking the exam including fasting for roughly 14 hours before and during the exam as well as the nervousness that comes when being injected by odd chemicals to monitor my heart. (It was the latter that was incorrectly done 15 months ago since I was injected with the wrong chemical.)

Yet the thing that is bugging me the most is that I’ve been banned from having caffeine since Monday afternoon. Mind you I don’t take a lot of caffeine in one sitting, but it’s the little bits that add up. A cup of coffee with breakfast, maybe a soda during lunch, a small piece of chocolate after dinner, and a spot of tea before going to bed. The lack of these items has driven me nuts since last night, which is made worse by my fasting and only three hours of sleep. I eagerly look forward to getting the exam done, and enjoying a hearty and caffeine-filled lunch.

In the meantime, I will leave you all with one of my favorite animated shorts of all time. I remember the last time I saw this was at about 5 years ago on the defunct Cartoon Network program “Oh Canada.” Mercifully, I accidentally found this on YouTube yesterday and I’ve seen at least a dozen times since. It’s absolutely side-splittingly funny!

My Five (Final Part)

Crap, I forgot all about finishing this series. I’ll be as brief as possible since I have more immediate matters to worry about such as my stress test Wednesday morning.

Part One here.

Part Two here.

Wednesday June 6^th

That day was relatively simple and mild-mannered until I received a phone call from my former U.N. supervisor after I finished a quick lunch. We talked for quite a while about many things; chiefly the work I did for her roughly two years plus. The main point of the discussion was that she offered me a fantastic deal to return to the report I finished last year and expand on it. The most exciting part was the possibility that it could be published by year’s end! Though I anticipated taking it easy in the autumn and find employment, the U.N. work takes precedence over that.

Now I split most of my time doing thesis work, U.N. re-research, and a spot of blogging here. Yes I have to work twice as much as I had planned for the next six months, but I have faith and hope that great rewards will emerge from great sacrifices.

Thursday June 7^th

I’ll confess that the day was somewhat uneventful; I went to go see my primary physician (he who has the uncanny knack of arguing with my mom every time they should meet. Thankfully, my appointment went well).

To be honest, the most notable part of the day was going out to lunch with mom since we walked nearly a mile in Long island city to chow down at a tiny Colombian joint. The place was full of so many lovely delicacies (e.g. empanadas, rotisserie chicken, three types of homemade soup) that it was hard to pick something small to eat. In the end I had a chorizo, arepa, and small coffee which all hit the spot.

Unfortunately, my camera was out of power which is why the only photo of that day is the one above. Hastily taken, it was snapped as I was showing my mom some pastries I found on the counter.

Now I have this stress test in about 12 hours to preoccupy my mind though I’m not overly worried about it. I just hope it works out and will eventually indicate my heart function.

My Five (Part One)

In yesterday’s post I opened with the following:

“With the weekend upon me, it had been one of those weird weeks that on the one hand I'm glad to put behind me yet at the same time has been very influential for me. I don't know how to explain it succinctly but I'll try to do so”.

Rather than go over the entire week in gruesome detail, the next few posts will highlight the events of five particular days over the past two weeks that have turned things hear over heels for me. I will do my best not to be too verbose.

Tuesday May 29^th

Despite my best efforts over the preceding weekend, I did become a nervous wreck by that day since I still couldn’t figure out what the heck my speech topic would be. Twenty-four hours before giving the speech I decided to go to NYU for the first time in over six months. Returning to campus felt really weird since here were relatively few people on campus in comparison to the middle of either the fall or spring semesters. Moreover, I felt like an odd man out since I couldn’t recognize anyone there when I usually tend to spot a celebrity or a friend/colleague during my jaunts to campus. Still, I felt somewhat invigorated by being there and I was able to tie a few loose ends.

When I was a full-time student I would often eat out and my main place to go was this deli located on the southeast corner of Thompson and Bleecker. It used to be a dingy bodega-like store, but then it was renovated and I frequented the place due to its easy access and friendly Mexican staff.

Unfortunately, in my absence the aisles became narrower and I was forced to go elsewhere to satiate my appetite. That somewhere was a larger deli located off 5^th Avenue and 8^th Street, and it was there that I ordered this really delicious meaty sandwich along with free homemade lemonade.

Oh yeah, that calmed the nerves.

After lunch I slowly made my way to Long Island City (via the M5, Q32 bus combo) since I had an appointment with a cardiologist. Unlike my previous cardio doctor who was flippant and easily dismissive of patient’s physical concerns, this doctor was thorough, patient, and highly attentive. She was a breath of fresh air compared to the previous doc and I left the office feeling far more relieved than before.

It was on the commute back home that I finally figured out what to base my speech on. It was a magnificent stroke of luck that The Pogues’ “Irish Rover” popped into my mind. “Yes, it’s perfect!” I thought as I remembered small snippets of the lyrics.

“It would work.”

“No, it has to work.”

There was only one way to find out, and that would be on the next day.