Five Alive: “Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations” in Colombia

Video link.

Two weeks ago, the second episode of the current season of “Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations” visited Colombia. Naturally, the episode was a cannot-miss event at home and we huddled around the living room TV to watch the program. We all enjoyed it and were glad that he visited the country.

Admittedly, I should’ve written this up within 24 hours of the first airing of the program. Foolishly, I lost my notes and didn’t recover them until but a few minutes ago as I was organizing some papers in the pig pen that is my bedroom.

With twenty minutes to go before the next episode (Uruguay!) here’s a quick rundown of my impressions of No Reservations en mi madrepatria.

1. The only section that disturbed me was at the beginning when he discusses that Colombia was not the cesspool of violence that it once was and that sadly continues to stereotype the country. Nevertheless, in his info he oversimplifies the decrease in violence of the cartels yet includes the paramilitaries as among those who have been “pushed back.” Understandably the show is not a political forum and some notes have to be presented in simple terms. Yet the “peace process” which led to the dissolution of the country’s main paramilitary organization was flawed and there are some who have retaken to the armed struggle. (See: Aguilas Negras). Compared to the rest of the program this was a minor gripe, however.
2. With that said kudos to Bourdain and co. for heading off the beaten track and not focusing on the typical tourist traps. To see him wander the Cartagena market, travel to an impoverished island (Tierra Bomba) across from the affluent section of Cartagena, and visit the comunas in Medellin as a refreshing sight. Despite not trekking to Bogota or Cali, for instance, his enthusiasm to discover the distinct was rewarding.
3. I was shocked that Bourdain didn’t mention President Alvaro Uribe during the entire program. I was convinced before the program that he would hop on the Uribe bandwagon and throw him at least a crumb or two of named praise. Instead, the only politico he mentioned was Medellin mayor Sergio Fajardo who was key in the city’s “unbelievable transformation” during the post-Escobar period. While Uribe’s accolades are deserved (for the most part) it detracts from the efforts of deserving local leaders like Fajardo.
   
4. Good god the food was mouthwatering! Calentado, emapanadas, and chorizo were just a few of the divine dishes and tasty treats he encountered throughout the program. I couldn’t help but chuckle at his amazement over the massive portions given during each meal; a quality of Colombian cuisine that even caught me off guard during my first visit to Colombia as an adult in 2003.
   
5. Finally, it was touching to notice Bourdain’s amazement at Colombia at the end of the program. “I hope I’ve gained a reason for optimism” he said; a sentiment that is shared by those who wish to see everlasting peace and prosperity reach Colombia after what seems like eons of lost potential and bloodshed. “It’s the people that make the place,” he mentioned in closing, and it is those people who break stereotypes and strive daily for a better future.

Colombians united against barbarism

How sad is that despite the millions who came together and marched on Colombia’s Independence Day against violence that FARC commanders say they will continue the armed struggle while paramilitaries may’ve been behind the massacre of five campesinos?

Nevertheless, Sunday’s rallies must not be in vain as Colombians deserve a stable, meaningful peace after so many decades wasted in cruelty among countrymen:

The meaning of July 20th

Image via BBC News

With Colombian Independence Day drawing to a close I cannot help but feel very proud to be of Colombian background. I feel this way when…

…hundreds of thousands of people Colombians representing distinct races, creeds, and ideologies united to march against the kidnappings, massacres, and violence committed by black-hearted criminal groups.

…I eat such lovely delicacies as bandeja paisa, calentado, and huevos pericos (naturally)!

…I visited the grave of my father and thanked him for sacrificed everything and moved to the U.S. to provide a better future for his children.

…I cheered for futbolistas such as “El Pibe” Valderrama and “El Patron” Bermudez and continue to root for players like Macnelly Torres and Juan Pablo Angel.

…I quietly took the brunt of the numerous taunts hurled at me during my childhood and vowed never to allow their teasing to shake my pride.

…I laughed during “Mi Papa, Mi Abuelo, y Yo”, cringed during “Rosario Tijeras”, and wept at the end of “Maria, Llena Eres de Gracia.”

…I look at the weathered face of my grandmother while listening to her sage advice.

…outsiders conditioned with the stereotypes of cartels, coke, and whores find out that the myths do not always coincide with reality.

…I listen to the myriad of musical styles from artists like Grupo Niche, Los Aterciopelados, Pinker Tones, and El Binomio de Oro.

…I wear the bracelet given to me with the yellow, blue and red colors of the Colombian flag which was a gift by my extended family when I visited them after going nearly two decades without seeing them.

…I explain to others that “I’m an American of Colombian background” and the joy that I feel of being part of two vibrant, warm, diverse, and generous cultures. The best of both worlds!

Hyperbole

I was watching a bit of the Colombian news tonight on Caracol Internacional when one of the reports focused on the brouhaha over ratifying the U.S.-Colombia free trade pact. During the news piece (which I unfortunately cannot find online) the reporter claimed that the talks over the agreement where (and I'm slightly paraphrasing here):

The most contentious free trade agreement in the history of the United States.

Really?

Have we not forgotten the firestorm over NAFTA roughly 15 years ago? In the days before up-to-the-nanosecond news and a plethora of blogs the discussion over NAFTA seemed to be out of control. I even remember that it was a huge deal when Al Gore and Ross Perot debated the pros and cons of NAFTA on CNN. The tension was thick ebough to cut with a machete, and more so when Gore gave Perot a framed photo of Senators Smoot and Hawley as a "gift." (Yes, those were the architects behind the protectionist Smoot-Hawley Act of 1930).

Then again, Caracol's reports are pretty solid...if you agree wholeheartedly with the free trade deal. With such a complex issue, the network's report can boil down to free trade/Republicans = good, while tariffs/Democrats = bad. Therefore, to emphasize hyperbole makes sense for Caracol. Unfortunately, it is ultimately to the detriment of the viewer.

By the way, before some of you get this idea that I'm some pinko/Commie/red, allow me to clarify a few things:

1. Between the two options I believe that free trade is a better option than protectionism.
   
2. Yet not all free trade agreements work alike; the pacts between the U.S. and Chile or Peru allow for better guarantees to labor and worker's rights than the one with Colombia.
3. Both Democrats and the GOP have done an awful job of treating the agreement as a political hot potato. President Bush miscalculated horribly by thinking he could get away with trying to ram it down Congress' throat and the White House argument that no free trade = a victory for Chavez/populists is woefully misguided. At the same time, the Democrats are doing a terrible job arguing against free trade as a concept and are perpetuating the notion that they are not "friends" of Colombia.
4. What should be done? Hopefully cooler heads can prevail after the presidential elections in November and both parties can rationally analyze the pact. I feel that the agreement needs to be renegotiated (see item #2) yet the benefits of a free trade pact outweigh the negatives.

Maybe I'm correct or maybe I'm wrong. One thing is for certain: hyperboles are oversimplified distortions.

Prologue (May 26, 2008): It occurred to me this morning that there's a kink to my argument over hyperbole and the past controversy over NAFTA.

Wasn't the gesture of Al Gore giving Ross Perot the "gift" of the framed Smoot/Hawley picture on CNN the epitome of hyperbole? Could that be the reason why I seemed to recall that moment more than other discussions or arguments over NAFTA in the early 90s?

I wonder...

Reminiscing about the “motherland”

For the first time in four years my family will not be traveling to Colombia over the holidays. I’m feeling a little upset about that since I will be missing many things:

• Screaming at the TV while watching soccer club along with my futbol-crazed cousins.
• Being able to enjoy a taxi ride in what can be described as a golf cart with windows but for a small fraction of the cost compared to NYC.
• Heading to the corrientazos and savoring a hearty meal along with everyday people.
• Eating at El Corral and Crepes & Waffles with the not-so-everyday people.
• Holiday shopping at San Victorino in lieu of the ultramodern new shopping malls.
• Reading El Tiempo as a tangible newspaper rather than straining my eyesight reading online.
• Playing cards with aunts and cousins straight through the evening (and winning!)
• Partying into the New Year but not before everyone gets blessed by grandmother at midnight.
• Watching the sunrise on New Year’s Day after dancing and drinking far more than one should.
• Visiting my family which lives in different neighborhoods around Bogota instead of being stuck around a hotel in the more affluent northern part of the city.
• Trying my hand at sapo and tejo after taking a delightful swim in the pool at Murca.
• Getting up at the crack of dawn to eat breakfast, whether it is the complimentary one at the hotel or the one made with lots of love by my grandmother.
• Arguing over which team is more “cursed” - Millonarios or Red Bull New York.
• Quarreling over domestic politics such as the best way to handle the hostages kidnapped by guerillas or how corrupt the Uribe administration really is.
• Regaling cousins with descriptions of South Park episodes that have not aired over there.
• Not freezing my assiduous self off in NYC by sweating profusely in La Palma or getting drenched by the latest rainfall in Bogota.
• Watching Citytv, Señal Colombia, and the CM& news while making fun off some of the sappy holiday adverts, Jorge Baron, and dubbed Hollywood films.
• Trying to convince others that reggaeton and rancheras are not the only types of “good” music by making them listen to Los Amigos Invisibles, the Pixies, TV on The Radio, and Airiel.
• More than anything listed above, being surrounded by loving family members who are appreciative and unbelievably nice.

Not everything there is paradise and there are certainly some things I miss when I was over there. (i.e. not using my motorized wheelchair, not having Internet at all). Yet as I gradually realize that I will not be spending the holidays there I have become increasingly appreciative of the Colombian people, customs, and culture. It will be difficult to cope not being there this year though I have faith that by this time next year I’ll have my bags packed and will be ready to travel!

English for Dummies (Version Colombiana)

I'm going to cheat and post a video tonight. (In defense of such a decision, I had 3 hours of sleep last night, wasted my morning arguing with civil servants, and the video itself is quite funny).

The following is a humorous routine from a Colombian TV program entitled "Sabados Felices" ("Happy Saturdays"). The "teacher" is giving English language lessons for Colombian slang and colloquialisms.

Those who aren't familiar with some of these sayings (i.e. "Y la Ñapa?") will most likely have a difficult time understanding what he's saying. Yet those that understand American and Colombian cultures will surely chuckle heartily at the routine.

Video link:

"This is Telemundo! The Spanish language....television network!"

Tomorrow I'll reminisce over a very happy day as a soccer fan and Colombian hincha that occurred in 1993. (Here's a small hint).

In the meantime, as I was looking at futbol clips on YouTube I found an absolute gem. It's a goal from an early 1990s match between the U.S. and Colombia that prominently involved two future MetroStars: Adolfo "el Tren" Valencia and Tony Meola.

The most interesting part of the clip is the voice calling the game: Tony Tirado. The former NASL goalie was a staple of soccer broadcasts on Univision's precursor: SIN. Tirado bolted to Telemundo after Andres Cantor become the head play-by-play announcer on that network. Tirado's deal included hosting a weekly half-hour show- "De Gol a Gol"- that lasted only a few months. Yet the bigger change was that despite having Norberto Longo as the color commentator on SIN, Tirado announced many (if not all) matches alone in the booth.

Tirado's style of narration was simple without adding an overabundance of details nor speaking at breakneck speed. Still, he was keen on narrating along with the flow of action and he left little dead air.

He was also very prescient in knowing that not everyone watching the matches was fluent in Spanish. (Remember, he was on TV in the pre-MLS days when watching a tape-delayed World Cup game was cutting edge). Hence, he peppered the games with phrases in English; one of them being the title to this post.

With that said, here's the clip. (Video link):

Cheers Tony!

Running around

I really ought to be coming home from tonight’s free Neko Case concert in Central Park. Alas, it was not to be for several reasons including the heavy storm that was supposed to fall today (which didn’t), and the lack of reliable and accessible bus service at this time of the night. (The steam pipe explosion on Wednesday made the latter problem many times worse than usual).

But more than anything it was the very stressing and tiring days today and yesterday that have just about knocked me out.

Yesterday I was at the Hospital for Joint Diseases all day in order to take care of some urgent problems with my health insurance and to accompany my bros to their respective appointments at muscle clinic. Besides being on the road for roughly a dozen hours the main problem ad to do with the changes with Medicaid and related health care that have made things fast more difficult for my brothers and me. For instance, whereas before I could just make an appointment to muscle clinic or equipment clinic with little trouble now I have to got through the rigmarole of filling it paperwork and getting referrals from my primary care physician. Perhaps I’m making it seem like before it was as simple as snapping one’s fingers but it feels that was compared to the current feeling of having to jump through a myriad of hoops.

Making things worse was the lack of accurate answers by the staff at the hospital. I talked to three different people regarding my situation and I received three distinct replies. It was as if more red tape was being added to the already growing mountain of confusion and complexity.

Oy vey!

Below are a pair of pics taken yesterday, first of my brother Jonathan then of mom and Kevin:

Today was not as difficult and harried, thankfully. I woke up at before dawn and went with Kevin and mom to the dentist. Unfortunately, some miscommunication nearly derailed my trip as I was not scheduled to be seen today. Mercifully, there were some early morning cancellations so Kevin and I got our teeth thoroughly cleaned by a very kind albeit slightly sadistic dental hygienist. Unfortunately for me, it was not my usual hygienist which was too bad since I really like to see/chat/lightly flirt with her. Oh well.

Afterwards we decided to celebrate Colombian Independence Day in our own low-key, simple way by having a killer breakfast at a cozy Colombian bakery on 46^th Street and Queens Boulevard:

Chicharron, chorizo, coffee, arepas, corn mazitas.

The perfect remedy for our heady minds, tired bodies, and growling stomachs.

The rest of the morning was spent on running a few errands (e.g. supermarket, Kevin’s haircut) before returning home. I took this pic while taking a quick breather on the street outside the barbershop:

So yes, I did miss going to the concert tonight and I know I would’ve enjoyed it thoroughly. However, I’m getting some much needed downtime at home which will definitely come in handy since I’ll be playing catch-up with some pending work and even more appointments await me next week.

C’est la vie, non?

MP3: Neko Case -Bowling Green (Live, 2000)

MP3: Neko Case - I Wish I Was the Moon Tonight (Live, April 2006)

Hands in the (Bloody) Cookie Jar

As the Colombian cliché says- “te cojieron con las manos en la masa”:

(For those that don’t know Spanish, the above video dated “October 2001” showed Colombian president Alvaro Uribe meeting and shaking hands with a right-wing paramilitary leader.)

Oh yeah, Uribe really embodies the role of “a man with great moral responsibility who embodies all the requisites of a statesman”.

El perro Paraco

Joan Miro's "Dog Barking at the Moon" (Image via Art.com)

Sometimes simplicity is the best answer.

Case in point, the following joke via Adam Isaacson at the Center for International Policy. It's all you need to know about Colombian politics in a nutshell:

"CANINE INTELLIGENCE

An engineer, an accountant, a chemist, an IT specialist and a Colombian senator were bragging about how smart their dogs were.

The engineer told his dog, “Protractor, show what you can do.” The dog gathered some bricks and boards, and built a small doghouse. All agreed that it was incredible.

The accountant said his dog could do better. “Cash Flow, show what you can do.” The dog went to the kitchen, returned with 12 cookies and divided them into 4 piles of three cookies each. That was pretty neat, all agreed.

The chemist said that his dog could do even better. “Oxide, show what you can do.” Oxide walked to the refrigerator, took exactly 500 milliliters of milk, peeled a banana, used the blender and made a smoothie. All agreed that it was impressive.

The IT specialist said he could beat them all. “Megabyte, do it!” Megabyte crossed the room, turned on the computer, checked it for viruses, upgraded the operating system, sent an e-mail and installed an excellent game. All knew that this would be very hard to beat.

They turned to the Colombian politician and asked, “And your dog, what can he do?”

The politician called his dog and said, “Paraco, show what you can do!”

Paraco jumped up, ate all the cookies, drank the smoothie, erased all the files from the computer, “disappeared” the other four dogs, declared himself to be an Uribe supporter, and took over the land title to the doghouse.

Afterward, the politician insisted that he had never met the dog, that he had never even seen it, and that a photograph showing them together was faked..."

Succinct.

To the point.

Gloriously perfect.

Gracias Adam!