Boo

I'm too sleepy to blog anything above 100 words tonight. Hence, I'll play it lazy and merely post the below video. It describes how I was feeling late last night. (Maybe I'll explain why tomorrow).

Pleasantries

No matter what I do and regardless of how content I may feel something will get on me and drive me down.

Tonight was no exception.

Although I was busy mom interrupted me this afternoon to ask that I prepare a check to pat a bill for one of my brothers. I did it that night and I wrote the check for a few dollars more than the bill requested. (It’s something I usually do as a sign of good faith and it’s usually good to leave a bit of credit on the bill whenever possible).

As I was trying to finish some typing at 10 she barges into the bedroom screaming.

“Why did you pay so much on the check?!”

I explained to her quietly and calmly that it’s something I always do as a sign of good faith, etc.

“Why are you gifting the clothing store so much? They just take the money and run! Don’t you know that by now!!!”

Naturally her yelping woke my brother up; the one whose bill I was taking care of and who was trying to get some rest before getting up at 4am.

My attempt to explain again was rebuffed anew. This time, she took the check and emphatically tore it up while admonishing me for my check-writing abilities.

By then I wanted to scream at her not so much because I could have been wrong but due to her taking such a simple task and blowing it way out of proportion. I am the one whose job is to pay the bills and I write out roughly 6-7 per month. I never get thanked for what I do.

What also perturbed me was that yet again she took me for granted. For the past 32 months I have sacrificed far too much of my sanity and well-being for her and the good of my family. Most of the time I don’t mind doing so and I realize that it’s a task thrust upon me since dad died. Yet a little gratitude can go a long way; a simple “thank you” can suffice. There’s no need to scold me like a toddler or yell like a banshee if I make a mistake on a silly task. I have to endure this huge burden of stress and responsibility upon me and it’s unfair to have to be treated as if I were an immature, unkempt child.

Ultimately I decided to throw in the towel and not refute her anymore. I interrupted her scolding, told her I would write a check, and promised her that I would take care of it. She kept up with her nagging though my calm assurances finally convinced her stop and she left the room.

Mom has gone through countless emotional outbreaks since dad passed away three years ago this September. Even when they would argue he served as her emotional keystone; one which was removed when he died. Though my brothers and I try our best to replace that keystone it’s just not the same. No matter what we do she will never recover from the mighty blow she received from his death. All we can try to do is lessen it as best as possible.

Unfortunately, my sympathy is tempered with rage; a tempestuous anger thriving off of stresses big and small. 9 times out of ten my calm demeanor really reflects the tranquility and rationality I feel. Yet there are occasions like tonight when it is merely a façade; a mask which hides my sorrows, rage, and disappointment. I would have loved to scream back at her and quell some of the rage that had built up in me. Doing so would have been fatal since she would’ve lashed out with even more anger and alibis, justified or otherwise. It would’ve shattered her own emotional state and brought forth who knows what. I did not fight fire with fire and though emerged burned it could’ve been worse.

Rarely are the occasions when I curse at my father whose soul is in the heavens above. I wonder why he had to go and leave me stuck with such an enigma. What did I do to deserve someone so loving and kind yet also so paranoid and crazed? In the end, whether I like it or not, whether I am happy or sad, calm or enraged this is what I have to live with. I have no other option but dutifully accept the positive with the negative and hope that the future can be better.

Lousy Smarch Weather

If there’s one thing that annoys me is when my best laid plans became thwarted despite my best intentions.

Today I was supposed to head to a special ceremony at the U.N. commemorating the entry into force of an international treaty for disabled people. I touched on the convention briefly the other day, and expressed my pride and joy that such an accord could come to fruition. My hope was that I could attend today’s event and be one of numerous disabled individuals present and showing support to what can hopefully be a new era for the disabled.

Alas, it was not to be since I was unable to make it to Manhattan.

The fault lies with the crummy weather today. I don’t mind if it’s cold and today was a bit nippy. However, 30 MPH winds along with 45 MPH gusts are dangerous for those in wheelchair with a high center of gravity like mine. Worse still was the steady rainfall which made commuting a pain in that it was a perfect day for delays and late pickups on the Access-A-Ride system.

In the end, I stayed at home doing some cleaning and organizing of paperwork. I was feeling a little too crabby to do any meaningful work.

At least there’s a bright side; I’ll try tomorrow to catch the archived webcast of the ceremony despite my having more pressing matters to attend to. Furthermore, I’m going to accompany my mom and one of my brothers on Wednesday to his medical appointment. That should give me the chance to enjoy some time with them outside of the sometimes claustrophobic confines of the apartment.

A little fresh air never hurts!

Bert and Ernie on Clinton and Obama

I don't like to cross-post with The Latin Americanist but I can't help myself on this occasion:

It’s silly.

It’s juvenile.

It has no direct relation to Latin American affairs.

Yet it’s funny:

For the record, I’m not gung-ho on any of the presidential candidates.

(Hat tip: Wonkette).

Off to see the wizard…

It’s been roughly a week that I’ve been stuck at home playing catch-up with several projects. Thus, its’ a relief to be able to head out for a few hours today. First, it’s a quick jaunt to Bobst Library in order to return a recalled book. Then, it’s a slow but steady trip on the M5 and M16 to go see my shrink.

Mercifully, I'm not as wound-up as I was the last time I saw my shrink two weeks ago. Then it was a chore to see him and try to explain how I was on the verge of a breakdown. Today's appointment should be less strained since I feel upbeat and grateful for his advice.

It isn’t a glamorous outing, admittedly. But it’ll be a relief to be able to step out and do a few productive things.

A New Era for PWD

As I mentioned on Saturday, an international treaty for disabled people took effect on that day. Thus culminated the efforts of hundreds of people who dedicated lots of time and energy to creating the accord and the beginning of a new hope for disabled individuals around the world.

I had the good fortune of attending several of the conferences of the ad hoc committee which worked diligently and (for the most part) in good faith to create the treaty. The sessions were marathon events taking two weeks at a time roughly twice a year and convened government representatives along with members of numerous NGOs. My role was mostly an observational one; showing up to workshops, gathering notes, and talking to different people. It was a refreshing look at how group efforts can (usually) work and it provided me some valuable insight into the inner working of the U.N. bureaucracy.

Next Monday there will be a special ceremony commemorating the entry into force of the treaty for disabled people. I may see some familiar faces during the event, though to be perfectly frank with you that isn’t my primary concern. My main issue is that the pact can lead to significant strides for the disabled, especially in underdeveloped nations.

Disabled people receive the stigma of being complainers who are wholly uncomfortable with the world and whine solely for our benefit. That may be the case for a small amount but I’ve found that what we, the disabled, really want is the opportunity to perform to the best of our ability. It may involve asking for some help but in the end we are empowered and given the chance to reach our goals.

I suppose the best and most succinct way to say it is by using the title of a book written by the late (and missed) Henry Viscardi, Jr. – Give Us the Tools

A New Era for the Disabled

Today an international treaty aimed at improving the lives of disabled people around the world went into effect. I will discuss this in further detail on Monday, but not without mentioning that I sincerely hope that the convention can help those achieve the equality that they so richly deserve. It may not have a huge impact for my generation though I have faith that it will for future generations to come.

(Video link):

Coachella Livecast

As a public service to the very few readers, (assuming that there actually are any), I'm linking to the livecast of this weekend's Coachella Music Fest. I don't want to say much more except to mention that I'm really looking forward to seeing Portishead tonight!

Click here to watch the Coachella livecast

Hyperbole

I was watching a bit of the Colombian news tonight on Caracol Internacional when one of the reports focused on the brouhaha over ratifying the U.S.-Colombia free trade pact. During the news piece (which I unfortunately cannot find online) the reporter claimed that the talks over the agreement where (and I'm slightly paraphrasing here):

The most contentious free trade agreement in the history of the United States.

Really?

Have we not forgotten the firestorm over NAFTA roughly 15 years ago? In the days before up-to-the-nanosecond news and a plethora of blogs the discussion over NAFTA seemed to be out of control. I even remember that it was a huge deal when Al Gore and Ross Perot debated the pros and cons of NAFTA on CNN. The tension was thick ebough to cut with a machete, and more so when Gore gave Perot a framed photo of Senators Smoot and Hawley as a "gift." (Yes, those were the architects behind the protectionist Smoot-Hawley Act of 1930).

Then again, Caracol's reports are pretty solid...if you agree wholeheartedly with the free trade deal. With such a complex issue, the network's report can boil down to free trade/Republicans = good, while tariffs/Democrats = bad. Therefore, to emphasize hyperbole makes sense for Caracol. Unfortunately, it is ultimately to the detriment of the viewer.

By the way, before some of you get this idea that I'm some pinko/Commie/red, allow me to clarify a few things:

1. Between the two options I believe that free trade is a better option than protectionism.
   
2. Yet not all free trade agreements work alike; the pacts between the U.S. and Chile or Peru allow for better guarantees to labor and worker's rights than the one with Colombia.
3. Both Democrats and the GOP have done an awful job of treating the agreement as a political hot potato. President Bush miscalculated horribly by thinking he could get away with trying to ram it down Congress' throat and the White House argument that no free trade = a victory for Chavez/populists is woefully misguided. At the same time, the Democrats are doing a terrible job arguing against free trade as a concept and are perpetuating the notion that they are not "friends" of Colombia.
4. What should be done? Hopefully cooler heads can prevail after the presidential elections in November and both parties can rationally analyze the pact. I feel that the agreement needs to be renegotiated (see item #2) yet the benefits of a free trade pact outweigh the negatives.

Maybe I'm correct or maybe I'm wrong. One thing is for certain: hyperboles are oversimplified distortions.

Prologue (May 26, 2008): It occurred to me this morning that there's a kink to my argument over hyperbole and the past controversy over NAFTA.

Wasn't the gesture of Al Gore giving Ross Perot the "gift" of the framed Smoot/Hawley picture on CNN the epitome of hyperbole? Could that be the reason why I seemed to recall that moment more than other discussions or arguments over NAFTA in the early 90s?

I wonder...

De Musica Ligera: Spring Cleaning

*Cough!* *Cough!* *Cough!*

Pardon me; I’m trying to clean up some of the dust and cobwebs that have accumulated on this abandoned blog.

One would assume that by blogging here several times a week I would also keep my personal blog up-to-date. Alas, that has not been the case.

I won’t get into why that us the case; I’m not in the mood to do so now. To be more precise, it’s not that an abundance of good things have occurred to me lately. Rather, I’m getting a little tired of constantly whining and bitching.

Instead of embedding videos or complaining about how I need to be better organized I’m going to share the first five songs on my iPod/iTunes player. Last night, I chose nearly 150 songs by several artists and after shuffling them this is the exact order of numbers 1 to 5 on the playlist:

1. Guess Who - She's Come Undone
2. Cinematic Orchestra – Burnout
3. Brief Candles - The Patron Saint of Hopeless Cause
4. A.C. Newman - Homemade Bombs in the Afternoon
5. Controller.Controller - Magnetic Strip (Live 2004)

I can’t explain why, but those songs seemed to be the perfect mix to pick me up after a rough day yesterday. Might as well enjoy them and leave certain things unexplained.

Revisit, reexamine, rethink

To paraphrase the great film director Federico Fellini:

Blogging is like returning to the womb; you sit there, still and meditative in the darkness, waiting for life to appear on the screen.

With that said, I feel repentant returning to blog for only the second time in nearly three months. Unfortunately, several responsibilities have taken precedence over blogging here:

1. I was rushed into handing in a few reports for my U.N. "job" in January and I've followed it up a few times since then.
2. I caught the flu in February and it knocked me down pretty hard during most of the month.
3. I preferred blogging here since I enjoy informing others on the news and communicating over important issues.
4. More than anything else, I have been very occupied taking care of my Master's Project with the hope that my dream can come true.

At the same time, I feel comfortable writing in this blog again. For me it is a very handy vehicle of personal expression. As I look back in hindsight as to why I rarely blogged here, I understand that the brief list of rules I made created in November were serving as an obstacle. Along with the aforementioned excuses, the list hindered more than it helped. Hence, I'm tossing out the rules for the next few weeks while I hope to establish more consistent posting here.

I don't want to promise more than I should (like I did here), yet if I play my cards right I'll be blogging here quite often.

Otherwise, I might as well shut this all down and figure out a better format for expression.

New year, new video

For the past few days I've been trying to come up with a solid topic for the first post of this year. Should I focus on my thesis work? Maybe I ought to go on a diatribe over the problems with Access-A-Ride? Perhaps I could discuss the new season of Reno 911! What about how I've gained a few pounds instead of beng more weight-concious?

For today, however, I'm going to play it lazy and post a video. In honor of Groundhog Day, here's "One Meat Brawl":

One Meat Brawl
Uploaded by klangley

(Hat tip)