Return

Poor blog, how I have abandoned thee!

Why I haven't I written here lately? There are several reasons; for starters, I've gotten the nasty habit of bottling up my emotions far more often then I should. It's one thing to have a calm demeanor yet it's quite another when one acts much to dour and serious as a facade.

A minor part of it is that I've put a little too much effort into the group blog and far from enough on this one. By the time I'm done with the day's posts (along with my many other responsibilities) I'm just not in the right mindset to post here.

(Quick aside - perhaps I should've started a personal Twitter feed. Yet my problem is that I tend to be too verbose in my writing. Thus. staying within the 150 character limit is a little too challenging. Well, for now at least).

In addition, I've been hurt by death and the stress caused by it. I don't wish to get into a lot of detail because there are some mental wounds that have taken far too long to heal. Suffice it to say I need to overcome those hurdles and somehow march on.

Another reason is that I haven't really progressed as significantly as I would've liked. For the most part I've been in a state of stasis while otherwise I've regressed. Not good, my friends. Not good. (I'll get into more detail on that in a later post, I hope).

Furthermore, during most of the calendar year so far I've become weak and have allowed my old demons to get the best of me once again. Over the past six weeks or so I've woken up and tried to recuperate lost time and energy. It may be too late in some areas but I'm going to work hard to make sure any losses are minimal.

So where does that leave me? Introverted, timid, and in a cocoon. To my great detriment I've shunned all my friends, and I've been reluctant to be strong and face my fears and apprehensions. The latter I've begun to change in recent weeks. The former will require a yeoman's effort on my part. But I've got to start somewhere. Hence, this post which will hopefully serve as a symbol of my return to reality and the loosening of the mental chains I've placed upon myself.

Will there be sunny skies ahead or well the dark storm continue? Stay tuned...

De Musica Ligera: Downtempo

Zero 7 including Jose Gonzalez and Sia (image credit)

It’s Friday and therefore it’s time for our weekly music post.

Of the numerous music folders I have on my laptop one of the most listened to is labeled “Downtempo”. That folder holds roughly 125 songs that are relaxing and mellow including some tunes that correspond to the “chill out music” genre.

Last week I recalled a Si*Sé concert I went to several years ago. Their music would definitely be described as “chill out,” though to be more specific they could be classified as trip hop en español.

When I was studying in Miami eons ago one of my best friends was a classmate from a few international relations courses. She also worked as a part-time receptionist at that department so when I would visit her often when I was feeling particularly bored and with a bit of time to kill during the day. Usually she would have stretches of work lasting hours when there was very little to do. Hence, our conversations helped us mutually combat our daily dullness.

Music was amongst the many topics we would discuss. She enjoyed a few genres of music and in particular trip hop and IDM. She didn’t like the music on its own but instead since she adored spending her free time relaxing in lounges where that sort of music is played. While I preferred to stretch out in bed alone in my dorm late at night and listen to Massive Attack and Zero 7 she opted for weekend outings to lounges and bars in South Beach.

During the course of our friendship I tried to take her ask out a few times and hang out in her proffered environment. I even tried taking her out to some nice places around Union Square and SoHo during a trip to NYC. But for reasons beyond my comprehension she never really wanted to do so with me. Though I’m certain we would have had an enjoyable time together I don’t mind that we didn’t do so. I suppose that’s the way it crumbles…cookie-wise.

After a harsh and stressful week of school and work (this week being no exception), there is nothing better than to sit back and unwind sipping a hot cup of tea and listening to some “Downtempo” music. I may be in my stuffy shared bedroom in Queens rather than alone in a Miami dorm, but the music is soothing and harkens back to some good memories.

• Electrolux – Five o’clock Tea
• Massive Attack – Live with Me
• Sneaker Pimps - Six Underground (Nellee Hooper's Edit)
• Zero 7 – Seeing Things

Ashes to ashes

Just a few minutes ago I received some unexpected news; one of my best friends and classmates from high school passed away on Saturday. He was disabled with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy and it appeared as if he passed away due to complications related to that.

It has been very sobering news and it's incredibly hard to come to grips with it. I hadn't heard anything about him in about five years. Hence, to be told that he died has come as a terrible shock.

Despite my not being in the best condition emotionally over this news I will find out if there will be a wake this week. If possible I shall try my best to attend not so much for my sakes but as a representative of his fellow class and school alumni.

In the meantime I will reminisce the many great times we had years ago. He passed away far too soon, yet I feel very fortunate to have known him. It's unjust that he had to die, yet we cope with it and try to emulate the good examples he taught.

Rest in peace, old friend.

Adios Joe, I got to get back to work

I had planned for weeks to go see Joe Vasconcellos tonight at the Queens Theatre in the Park. I had really looked forward to enjoying his eclectic Chilean folk and rock stylings in a live venue. Yet it was not to be since I'm paying respects to Uncle Javy who died on Monday. I could not in good conscience go to a concert mere days after his passing and keeping in mind that my entire family is very sad and upset about his death.

Maybe next year I'll see Joe in concert so as long as the circumstances are right.

In the meantime, I will respectfully mourn the memory of Uncle Javy and hope that my family can slowly but surely move forward. I am certain that they can though my biggest fear is that my grandmother will not. Though she has always had a very strong attitude, she is in her 90s and is getting increasingly weak physically. A few hours ago we spoke on the phone for the first time in weeks and I could tell in her voice that she feels very frail and vulnerable. She and Javy were very close and it's hard to imagine how things will be like for her now that he's gone. I hate to have this anxiety in my mind; a worry that is shared by most of the family. It's an uncertain situation and only time will tell how she will react to it in the (hopefully) long run.

Selfishly speaking I must take advantage of the weekend to resume some work that I left behind over the past week. My UN work has gone untouched and I need to contact my supervisor ASAP. I've been in something of a writer's rut regarding the thesis work though I hope to get the ball rolling again on that quickly.

Crap, I forgot to send the e-mails to long lost friends and acquaintances. There's another thing I have to do on the weekend.

I wonder if she still remembers me?

La Di Dah

Last week I tried asking a few friends out for a friendly date to see an outdoor screening of "Annie Hall" at Bryant Park. Four friends I asked. Four friends who declined due to work/previous engagements/other responsibilities. Coupled with my anxiety over the stress test I was in a foul mood for a few days.

Imagine my surprise as I was checking the TV listings tonight to find that "Annie Hall" would be on Channel 13. As it has been one of my favorite films for years I made sure not to miss it.

It's true that I enjoy Woody Allen's quips as well as the chemistry between him and Diane Keaton. But aside from that I honestly don't know why I like the film so much. I've never been in a serious relationship (i.e. boyfriend/girlfriend) nor was my family as dysfunctional as Alvy Singer's. (Close but not quite).

About a little over halfway through the film (when Alvy goes to Annie's apartment at 3am to kill a spider "the size of a Buick") I started to think about Ana.

Ana was someone I when I was a freshman in college. I remember the day we met it was for a meeting of a student club we were in. She seemed shy and mousy but there was something about her that attracted me and compelled me to introduce myself to her. After exchanging pleasantries we chatted for quite a while. I doubt it was more than a thirty minutes but it seemed like many hours. We just seemed to get along incredibly well and we got together several times after that. Usually we would be together around campus at the library or at her dorm. A few times we ate out in the West Village.

The odd thing was that I certainly felt a bond of friendship between the two of us but I constantly asked myself if what I felt was more than that and, perhaps more importantly, how did she feel towards me. After much introspection I concluded that there was probably nothing more than just a close friendship yet decided that if I would not impede if she were to pursue the relationship. It was probably an irrational conclusion though it was the one I felt most comfortable with.

A few weeks before moving to Miami I went out with her for lunch at a cafe on Greenwich Street. I was going to drop the bombshell that I would move and that would inevitably alter our relationship. So imagine my surprise when she says that not only has she had a boyfriend for a few years, but that he was her fiancee.

Then she showed me the pictures.

Then she told me about the wedding in a few months time.

Then she told me she might move to the Midwest.

In reality I should not have been shocked and I did my damnedest to give a positive impression to her. In the end, I was her close friend and she deserved support from me. But deep down inside I held on to the hope that perhaps, just maybe we could've moved beyond friendship. Would it have worked out? Who knows. But I would have liked to have given it a shot.

After moving to Miami we remained in touch every once in a while. On a visit to New York we met and she showed me the pictures from her wedding in India. They were very nice snapshots. She eventually moved to Ohio with her hubby. The last time we spoke she was doing very well as a paralegal and enjoyed being with her husband. Ultimately it all seemed to have worked out exceptionally though unfortunately we haven't spoken in over a year.

I guess while watching "Annie Hall" I subconsciously recalled the relationship Ana and I had. Yet like all special moments they are fleeting and great while it lasted.

I just hope that our relationship doesn't end like the last scene in the movie: exchanging some parting phrases then departing on our separate ways forever.

MP3: Pixies - Ana