Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Only in Dreams

I'm going to go see my shrink tomorrow for the first time in about a month, which is a very good thing since I need to tell him about some conspicuous dreams I've had lately.

A week-and-a-half ago I dreamt that I was with someone I knew in Miami. But instead of it being a passionate or loving dream it was something wierd. I had dreamt that I was walking (sans wheelchair) out of my old dorm at FIU and to the Publix across the street. As I was doing so, I ran into her and her boyfriend and the three of us engaged in some small talk; nothing too interesting, really. We then went our seperate ways and I pictured myself walking through the supermarket with a red plastic basket buying groceries. Yet every time I turned and walked into a different aisle she would be walking with her boyfriend from a distance pushing a shopping cart. No matter which aisle I was in or what I was purchasing I would spot her and our eyes would meet quickly and then avert to somewhere else. It was as if we wanted to avoid one another but it wouldn't happen. In the end, I paid my groceries and left feeling odd but a little relieved that we hadn't met at the register. Wouldn't you know it but I ran into her packing her groceries into a hatchback with her boyfriend (who throughout the entire time was oblivious of our coincidental encounters in the supermarket). Startled and with a massive knot in my throat I mustered up the only words I could think of:

"That was wierd, huh?"

"Yeah it was" she replied.

And with that I slowly walked away and took several steps when I hear her say the following:

"I've always loved you."

I suddenly stopped and turned around but at that moment I was shocked back into reality and I woke up in a cold sweat. There was no way I could go back to sleep after having that dream. I mulled over that dream for days trying to figure out the meaning of it. Was it some sort of sign or was it just a flippant thought? Does she really care about me inasmuch as we've gone a year without communicating or am I reading to deep into things? I could not leave things as is and so I wrote to her late Saturday night. It was a simple e-mail asking her how things were and giving a brief update as to how I was doing with my thesis work and nascent social life. Before closing and wishing her well I wrote the following without having second thoughts:

I’m very happy
and content with the friends and acquaintances I’ve
known here, but that doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten the
many interesting and unique experiences we’ve had.
It’s nice to reminisce every so often and (not too
sound too sappy) but I really do miss you immensely
cause you were such a great friend.

I've yet to receive a reply and quite frankly I don't care if I do. I just hope she hasn't received a wrong idea about me or misinterpreted what I mean to say.

The second unusual dream I had was about four, five nights ago. The setting was George's farewell party last May and things were repeating themselves- me nursing a glass of wine slowly getting drunk, sitting at the corner of the bar talking to a random colleague, taking a quick glance outside hoping the rain would subside. The difference came that when Venegas left and said "goodbye" to everybody she was alone at the door sans the guy I assumed was her boyfriend. Then she said "c'mon Erwin, escort me to the subway" in a sweet, slightly teasing voice. With that I excused myself and left the bar in order to accompany her through the midtown streets. However, the conversation we had was the same one we had when we left the seminar at NYU's Center for Global Affairs last spring. We talked about looking for work, complained on the shortcomings of an NYU education, and even danced a bit since she was feeling ecstatic from having met a very important contact. After a few minutes of simple discussion and walking we arrived at the subway entrance on the corner of 6th Avenue and West 42nd Street near Bryant Park.

"See you tomorrow" she said.

"Absolutely. Get home safe." I replied.

We then kissed each other briefly yet softly on the lips and then she skipped merrily down the steps. I sat there with a silly smile on my face (I was in the wheelchair for this dream) and I made my way back to the party. And that's all I remember from that. I will not send her a message since she mentioned in her last piece of correspondence that she would be incredibly busy this month. Besides, I'm still waiting for her to reply to the latest message I sent her.

The last dream that caught my attention ocurred last night. The setting was a bedroom in my grandmother's house located in a sleepy, lonely, isolated town in Colombia. There was nobody in the house (which is very rare since it is always teeming with life) except for myself and one of my cousins sitting on a bed. That cousin was the one that I got along best with and we would often talk in private about sensitive personal matters. I got to understand her very well and dsicovered details about her that nobody else knew of. We were so close that a few people (who shall remain nameless) had the erroneous notion that we had a thing for each other when that certainly was not the case. In an odd way we shared similar experiences and I suppose that was why we gravitated toward each other so much.

The unusual aspect about that dream was that I don't recall so much of what was said or what was ocurring outside the room (except that I was completely sure that there was nobody in the house). What I do vividly recall is feeling objects and having an extraordinary tactile sense. I vividly remember the soft feel of the pillow I was lying on and the small beads of sweat accumulating on my forehead. I feel like I can sense the frigedness of her hand, since she has the tendency to feel extremely cold regardless of the temperature in the surrounding environment. (Here's the unusual thing- I hate getting touchy-feely with others regardless of it being a hug or slap on the back or whatever. Yet I've always been comfortable holding her ice-cold hand). Nothing else out of the ordinary occured during that brief dream other than my having a very perceptive sense of touch.

It's been difficult trying to make heads or tails over the three dreams I just described. Perhaps I'm overanalyzing these pictures of my mind, but I just can't shake the nagging feeling that what I dreamt was not something that can be easily tossed aside and they contain some sort of profound meaning to them. I'm really hoping my shrink can help me decipher the significance of these dreams (if any) so I can move on and worry about the truly important things in life.

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Thursday, July 06, 2006

Remebrance and gratitude

There is a pall over my family today since today would have been my father’s 60th birthday. My mother has been understandably under the weather since she cared for him very much regardless of whatever disagreements and spats they had. My brothers will be all day with her since I left home early to run some errands around NYU and to go to the dentist’s office in Sunnyside. I feel guilty leaving them alone with her as well as leaving her on a day where she feels very vulnerable. I’m really hoping they will all be okay in my absence.

After I finish at NYU and get a bite to eat I’ll probably go to St. Patrick’s Cathedral. One of my brothers gave me the idea of lighting a candle in father’s memory. I hope to do that and perhaps attend the noon mass. I’m not too sure if time and my own fragile emotions will allow me.

Two days ago we celebrated the Fourth of July at home. Mom had been feeing a little ill so we could not have barbecue on the fire escape. Nor was going to Flushing Meadows Park available option since it was raining so hard throughput the day. For me the Fourth of July is a day in which I truly appreciate the positive attributes of the United States and I feel eternally grateful for having the opportunity to be born and raised in this country. Yet more than anything else I appreciated the sacrifice my dad went through in trying to raise a family in the U.S. rather than his native Colombia. He was living a very comfortable life over there- high paying job, lots of friends, his family close by. For him, however, it was not enough and he thought about his future children above anything else. So he took the risk, came to the U.S. in the early 70s, and watched his dream prosper. Sadly, he didn’t live to so some of the accomplishments of my brothers and me. Still, he planted the seeds of prosperity for future generations to come. That is the greatest gift he left behind.

Sunday, July 02, 2006


From this, to this, to this, to this, to this.

Thank you Metroredbullstarswhatveryourfrigginnameisthisweek for 10 years of sustained excellence. For surely we are America's "super club."